Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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