Swine flu is the new snow day.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
