I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
