so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
