I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
