you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
