I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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