it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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