Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
