if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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