i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
