I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
