he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
