Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
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