i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
