VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
