I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
