I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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