he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
