ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Girls should come with a carfax report
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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