Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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