There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
