i just wanna soil my oats bro
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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