I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
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