That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
