i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
