My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
