He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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