This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
