I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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