sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
