don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
