I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
