we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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