I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
