What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
