Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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