I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
