is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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