She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
