I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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