we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
