I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Soap is not a condiment
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
