all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
