i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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