Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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