The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
