Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
