There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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