Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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