I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
