im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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