It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
