okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
