note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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