I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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