Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
